How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship

What is attachment?

Attachment is established through a process of consistent and responsive interactions between the caregiver and the child. When a caregiver consistently responds to a child's needs by feeding and comforting them physically and emotionally. These experiences wire the brain, and the child learns that they can rely on the caregiver to meet their needs and have a sense of security and safety.

These first relational experiences can have a profound impact on the development of an individual's sense of self and their future relationships. These experiences are often encoded in memory through a combination of implicit and explicit processes. Implicit memory involves the unconscious encoding of information and can include emotional or sensory experiences. These implicit memories can influence future relationships and attachment styles without conscious awareness.

Attachment styles

Secure attachment

Children with secure attachment feel safe and secure when their caregiver is present and can explore the world and interact with others. They seek comfort from their caregiver when they are distressed and can calm down when their caregiver responds to their needs. People with secure attachment are comfortable displaying interest and affection. They are comfortable with being alone and independent. Securely attached people comfortably form relationships.

Caregivers play a vital role in fostering secure attachment by responding consistently and sensitively to their child's needs. Building a strong and loving relationship with the child is also key to fostering secure attachment. This involves spending quality time with the child, providing positive interactions, and demonstrating empathy and understanding. The quality of attachment between a child and their caregiver can have long-lasting effects on the child's emotional and social development, as well as their ability to form healthy relationships in the future.

Insecure Attachment Styles

Avoidant attachment

Children with an avoidant attachment style may avoid or ignore their caregiver and show little emotional response when their caregiver leaves or returns. They may have learned not to rely on their caregiver for comfort or support and may be more self-sufficient. This can happen when a parent avoids a lot of emotional connection. As adults, they show low emotional expressiveness and it’s difficult to relay to others, they typically label themselves as very independent.

Anxious attachment

Anxiously attached children may be clingy and have difficulty exploring the world around them. They may become very upset when their caregiver leaves but may not be easily comforted when their caregiver returns. The child feels anxious about whether their caregiver is reliable and predictable. The parent sometimes responds to the child's needs and other times doesn't. For example, the child is upset, they aren't sure if the parent will show up for them. As an adult, this person acts clingy at times and finds it difficult to trust in their partner.

Disorganized attachment

Children with disorganized attachment may display contradictory and confused behaviors toward their caregiver. They may have experienced inconsistent or frightening interactions with their caregiver and may struggle to understand how to relate to others in a predictable and safe way. This is common with parents who have a trauma history themselves. This attachment is more related to adult psychopathology.

Adult relationships are profoundly influenced by our early attachment experiences. The interactions we have with our primary caregivers shape our internal working model, which is essentially a blueprint for what we expect in relationships. This model, developed during childhood, acts as a guiding framework that influences our perceptions and behaviors in adult romantic relationships.

ATTACHMENT STYLE CAN CHANGE. Therapy can help you gain awareness of your behaviors and develop a coherent narrative, which can help you change the way you relate to others and yourself.

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